It was just another Monday. Three hours to get 5 people out the door. Three hours of snapping at Koa for being a kid and taking her time to do kid things. Three hours of not getting to spend any quality time with my babies. Three hours of, at times, literally, running around the house from one task to the next….of babies crying…of the dog whining…of telling Koa, “No, I don’t have time to read that book to you now. We’re late, hurry up and get dressed.” Three hours of not talking to my husband beyond barking instructions to him.
Three hours of running, intense effort and frustration and we were still driving to work and school late.
The evening is the same, only in reverse. Three hours from the time I race to school to pick up the kids to get them home, dinner made, rushed to bath, quick kiss, goodnight. After fighting the bedtime battle, Ryan and I have just enough time to race downstairs, clean up the mess that results from feeding three kids under three their dinner and crash into bed.
Just another day.
There was nothing particularly bad about this day. It is just our life.
Except on this particular Monday, about a month ago, Ryan and I dropped the kids off at school and got back in the car. I was already disgruntled, drained and annoyed with the day and I just blurted out, “what if I just stayed at home with the kids?” Ryan’s response indicated that he’d been pondering the same thing.
What followed was a downpour of emotions, brainstorming, envisioning and scenario-running that made us realize that we were not living our ideal lives. I was not being the Mom I wanted to be or the wife I wanted to be or the person I wanted to be. My actions were not in alignment with my values.
In the space of just a few hours, Ryan and I decided that it would be the best thing for me to stay home with the kids for a few years.
“I could never be a stay at home mom.” I swear I have said that 100 times in the last few years. I, mostly subconsciously, associated that with somehow compromising my own worth. The most interesting thing happened, though, after deciding to make this huge transition. I have felt more empowered than I have felt in these last several months of trying to make everything work. I feel stronger than I have felt in a while. I believe it’s because this decision makes me authentic to who I want to be. True, I want to have a successful career. That used to be all that I wanted. But,that’s not the case anymore. For me, for now, all I want to do is be a stay at home mom to these three babies. I want to have more time to spend with Ryan aside from just being teammates focused on simply surviving the day. I want to live a more present, less reactive, more purposeful life.
I am so grateful that I have fostered and grown our business for the last 13 years and allowed me to make this decision. I recognize that I am fortunate to have this opportunity. I can still see a small handful of clients throughout the year, keep my licenses active and my mind sharp. I can still have a voice in the strategic vision and development of our company, but in a more consultative way. I can take these next few years and still be present in the direction of our company, but not be a part of day to day operations. We have a great team in place and I am supremely confident with their ability to run a first class financial services practice. I am so happy that I stuck it out in the early, difficult stages of building this business to allow me this flexibility.
So, this week is my last week in the office. It’s the kids last week of daycare. It’s the beginning of my next big exciting journey. I know it will be exhausting and trying and that there will be a transition period, but I’m so relieved.
I’ve tried to start explaining the process to Koa in the last few weeks. This morning as we were doing our normal Monday rush around she asked me, “Mommy, are we going to go on adventures?”
Yes, we are, my love. Yes we are.